i won't forget this.

fredrick took me to get my meds and groceries today at cub. then after we came back, i had an ics session and the ics worker hung garland i ordered from amazon up on the curtains since when i asked the ics worker yesterday to do it, she said she was too short and i thought she said she'd ask zen if he'd hang it but he's not gonna do something he wasn't specifically assigned to do by his boss (i don't think anyway- he probably said he was too busy or something). i'm watching key & peele on comedy central and the episode where key is supposed to be a kid asking his dad (i think), who is played by peele about what will happen to him when he (peele) dies and i remember asking my grandma the SAME EXACT QUESTION when i lived in burnsville and i was on the phone with her (i spoke to her EVERY evening on the phone- when i used to stand on my standing frame every night- which i have NO plans of continuing to do since i stood on it ever since i was 16 EVERY night for at least 30 min.- even the physical therapist said i didn't need to stand on it anymore), i asked her what would happen when she died and she just blew me off and just nanchalantly said, "i won't." i could tell from her response that she didn't know the answer herself and i loosened my dependency on her after that to mentally prepare myself for it. that may be the reason why i'm pretty sure i didn't cry at her funeral and because i had cried all my tears out at home privately before her funeral. i KNOW my grandma would be disappointed at the lack of help i've recieved since she HONESTLY used to claim that "amanda will have you {me} in new york when i die!" every damn night during our phone conversations in the evening. i was trying not to be a negative nancy.. so i wouldn't question her. i'm not just saying this either. that's the main reason why amanda is my legalized advocate. she can play as stupid as she wants but i guarantee you that it's going to come back to her. she'll get to see how i feel personally because of her refusal to assist me. whatever.. it's not on my conscience for not doing something i claimed to my aunt i'd do. she's basically responsible for me losing any opportunities at a better life because it's obvious (or it should be to anyone WITH a brain) that i'm not fully able to get myself living in another location WITHOUT the help of someone advocating for me because *GASP* i have a BRAIN INJURY!! the longer i go without her helping me like my grandma CLAIMED she would- the LESS i think she cares about ME. she died OVER TEN YEARS AGO. i'm NOT gonna "thank you" for NOT helping me either. I HAVE A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY- THAT DOES NOT MEAN I'M LIMITED TO GOING TO THE FUCKING COURAGE CENTER LIKE A TRAINED DOG AND HAVING THEM UNDERESTIMATE MY POTENTIAL JUST FOR EVERYONE ELSE'S CONVENIENCE. THE CONVENIENCE OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T EVEN FUCKIN CHECK ON THEIR FAMILY MEMBER WHEN SHE'S A VULNERABLE ADULT WITHOUT ANY FUCKING RESPONSIBLE ADVOCATES (JOE WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO TOOK THE INITIATIVE TO ACTUALLY FUCKING VIDEO CHAT WITH ME WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.. I LOVE HIM TO DEATH FOR THAT ESPECIALLY SINCE THE REST OF MY DAMN FAMILY WHO I DID CALL WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL BUT FORCED TO LEAVE VOICE MAILS TO NO RESPONSE CAN'T EVEN FUCKING PICK UP THE PHONE TO CHECK ON ME.. I COULD BE DEAD). a lot of people may be saying, "what about her mom? why didn't she call her?" because i found out how hysterical and ridiculously upset she can get from the last time i called her when i just fell outta my damn wheelchair on the ice when i was living in burnsville. i'm assuming she figured people would assume she ACTUALLY cared about me if she acted concerned and she expected to get attention for it. i obviously wasn't in the mood to hear a fake-negligent ass uncaring mom.. especially NOT after i read the possible causes for my blocked bowel by my intestines.. damage or trauma to the stomach area.. i was sitting at my computer not really even turning when i first felt the pain that inclined the ics worker to bring me to the emergency room. i thought about around the time when i went in to have my previous surgery for my perforated bowel when i was like 11 or 12 i think- my grandma mentioned about how she didn't tell the doctor about when my mom and dad were physically fighting and i got kicked by my dad because my mom had me in her arms and "turned to get away from alfonso" while my dad was kicking my mom and i had a few reminscing dreams about my mom and dad fighting and getting kicked.. it was out at oak leaf park by one of the streams and my mom's friend kris and her husband louie were there. DON'T EVEN TRY TO SAY I'M MAKING THIS SHIT UP AMANDA. i can hear her naive ass saying sarcastically, "SHE'D NEVER REMEMBER THAT. SHE WAS SO YOUNG WHEN IT HAPPENED." you're a negligent fool. i'm pretty sure that's ONE of the reasons why my psychologist diagnosed me with PTSD. YOU'D KNOW THAT IF YOU ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT ME. YOU'D BE TRYING YOUR HARDEST TO GET ME AS FAR AWAY FROM ANY MORE POSSIBLE DAMAGE MY SELFISH MOM WOULD BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR. I HAVE TO COME TO TERMS THAT NO ONE (EXCEPT JOE) GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ME IN MY FAMILY. IF THEY DID- THEY'D SHOW IT (LIKE JOE DID WHEN HE ACTUALLY CHECKED ON ME IN THE HOSPITAL). i'm sure untreated ptsd results in injury or death- AMANDA DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT! JUST MAKE HER GO TO COURAGE KENNY! THEY'LL TAKE CARE OF HER THERE BECAUSE MINNESOTA IS #1 FOR HEALTH CARE EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING FIRST-HAND EXPERIENCE WITH PEOPLE HAVING BRAIN INJURIES BUT SHE KNOWS IT ALL! TAKE HER WORD FOR IT AND DEAL WITH IT. I GOT THIS! *ROLLS EYES* she's probably lying to everyone claiming i refuse to go to courage kenny when she tried to urge me to go there. I REFUSE TO GO TO THAT SORRY ASS EXCUSE OF A "REHAB. FACILITY" because they try to take advantage of my LACK of advocacy and just stick me on some easy ass machine that my living room wall could operate and MINDLESSLY think i'm getting better!.. while they just keep getting paid for supposedly helping me get strong and WALK AGAIN (LIKE I TOLD THEM OVER TEN YEARS AGO WAS MY GOAL). don't get me wrong here- i had assistance frm tram holloway and his ARP therapy to get as ambulatory as i am now. he NEVER pulled that ridiculous excuse of "LIABILITY" outta his ass. he had me walking and out of my damn wheelchair. COURAGE KENNY WOULD JUST THROW ME ON THAT STUPID NU-STEP MACHINE AND EXPECT FOR PEOPLE TO STROKE THEIR DICKS. it's basically a machine someone SITS in and pushes their feet forward and back while holding onto bars pushing them forward and back. that's NOT gonna help my ambulation. they depend on over-confident, negligent clients and families to continue paying them money from continuing to let people use that shit which doesn't progress them. i'm sorry for not wanting to waste my time on some stupid machine that no one else thinks i have the potential to do anything else. no more. you're not even helping trying to encourage me to waste more of my damn time on some stupid machine which doesn't help- all it helps is waste people's time THINKING they're actually doing something beneficial for their damn bodies. thanks for nothing. i won't forget this.. it doesn't matter if i have a brain injury and i may forget some things sometimes. i don't forget shit that ACTUALLY matters to me.